Well, I have a theory …

Let’s take all the fat people, and ugly people, and smokers, and anyone else that offends us in some way, and let’s just make their lives miserable. The fat people and smokers can pay more money for everything, especially the important stuff like food, cigarettes, and healthcare, and the ugly people can suffer through a lifetime of ridicule and embarrassment.

That’s fair, right?

Fat people go to the doctor more often, and while you’d think that the added medical costs would be balanced by the extra money they pump into the economy for food, it’s not enough. No, not by a long shot is that enough. They eat so much damn food that the rest of us have to pay more because these fat lard assed people keep eating all of it.

But that’s not all, getting their colons and arteries cleaned out to save their huge lives costs a bunch of money too, but they aren’t paying all of it. No, instead of paying for their own treatment after a few hundred binges with Ronald McDonald, they pass on the costs to everyone else. My God, how dare they subject us to that?

Then there’s the smokers, well that’s where it gets fun because WE don’t have to deal with high cigarette prices, since we are perfect and never smoke. But those careless bastards keep smoking up our environment and that is just unforgivable, right? I mean come on, we breath that crap in every day, it’s not like we should go out of our way because we don’t like the disgusting habit, and then we have to pay for their healthcare costs, on top of our own? What a load of bull!

Just the other day, I had to take my son to the emergency room because he coughed when my neighbor lit a cigarette in her car. The doctors said he’ll be fine, of course, but they also told me that if it happens again, he might just die!

I guess some extra good can come from gouging the price of cigarettes, we do need to pay for our healthcare programs for kids, and you know we can’t just compel our government to actually watch where they spend our tax dollars. So we’ll just make up for it with those idiots. Might as well get what we can out of them, at least before they die an early death.

Ugly people though, I think it might just be fair enough that they can’t find anyone decent to marry, or even to have a fling with; I know I wouldn’t be caught dead with some goon. Besides, they actually do help us out, I can’t count how many of my plastic surgeon friends have made a fortune off of those pathetic beasts. Healthcare coverage won’t even help them pay for it either.

But I swear to you right here and now, if I have to listen to another one of my friends bawling after having to face some ugly, inbred, redneck patient again, I’m going to have to think of another way to punish them.

Maybe a new law that restricts their mating to dogs would be enough. Okay, well maybe not; but horses would surely do it. Oh! And they get all the pain of getting kicked by one when they’re first learning to court. Yippee!!!